How to handle "The Complainer"
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How To Handle
“The Complainer”
Let’s be real we all know at least one
Picture this. You’re having an amazing day. Literally everything is “going your way!” or helk maybe not maybe “you’re barely hanging on” either way your doing it. You’re doing your best and showing up. So far I call that a win. Then it happens dun, dun, dun “The Complainer.” Maybe it’s through a phone call, a family gathering, or at the grocery store. Wherever you are you’re stuck in full on conversation with them. This might be an in-law, family member, co-worker. Someone you can’t just remove from your life.
Let’s be real we all know one. (Also come on at times we are them. It’s human.)
You’re having a conversation with them so far so good, and then you hear the dreaded pitch change and you instantly know where this is headed. They are heading into complain mode. You get tense. Your instantly annoyed, you were doing so good. You were winning the day. Now you’re on the defensive and thinking “how can you fix this?” How can you fix their complaining so you can move on?
This may seem odd, but I want to stop you. Yes I know at first this may seem harsh. Why would I want to stop you? It’s not about you not caring, or wanting to help. This is about you really supporting them. By doing what you wish everyone would do for you by just listening. Not solving, not fixing, not playing down, but by just listening. Yes, sounds simple, sounds to good to be true. Honestly it may not even sound helpful at all. But here is the thing, it is. It’s sometimes one of the most helpful things you can do.
By just listening you are opening the door to communication. You are supporting without “needing to fix.” You are allowing the complainer the space to air their issue, feel human by being seen, and then even giving space for them to find a solution or not. In the bigger picture your make time for connection. Not everyone one knows how to do that, or feels they can do that without having a problem to air or express. But deep down, really, that is what we all want, connection. To be seen, and heard.
But now reality has struck. We are deep in the trenches of complaining and there doesn’t seem to be any way out. So now what? You are literally feeling drained from this conversation. Even more so, you are now heading into complain mode yourself. We need to hit the breaks and fast!
So I want to support you in changing this. I want to help you get back on track. Better yet help you not get sucked down the rabbit hole at all! I want to help you, to help yourself stay away from complain lane and deter “The Complainer” from seeking you out.
Here are my 4 MUST do, every day, simple, yet extremely effective tools for helping you steer clear from this energy AND my three go to’s to support the complainer when you find yourself in these conversations.
Let’s start with the 4 MUSTS to steer clear of this energy:
Protect your energy
Take a breath
Find gratitude
Clear your space
I know you’re probably looking at this list and thinking, “is that it?” Yes. Yes it is. Let me walk you through them to share why they are so effective.
Protect your energy
You may think “what the helk does that mean?” or you may think “okay, yeah why?” We have a silent vibrational conversation that .we share with the world around us. Ever heard the term “Birds of a feather flock together?” Yeah that’s why. Also, we are natural care takers. But when we are tired, and have taken on to much, or are not feeling well, we take on everyone’s energy too. In all areas of life we can plainly see this play out. The strongest energy in the room wins. Whether that is you or the complainer. So lets help you be the strongest energy!
Each day when I wake up I will say “shields up.” I have even taught my children to do this now and it has helped everyone in our house. This helps you to be in your energy and to not be reactive to all the energy around you. This helps you to take a second to respond to the world around you in a way that serves you better. It also helps you not lose yourself in other peoples emotional drama.
So how do you do this? You will talk to your support team. This might be angels, God, a higher power (whoever you are comfortable talking to), You will ask that your energy and your being be protected and shielded from all that is not of your highest and greatest good. At this time you can add “every time I say shields up, I would like you to activate this protection” and then do this each day.
Take a breath
One of the simplest things you can do but one of the most over looked tools (because it is so simple). We have become a society of shallow breathers. Shallow breath tells our body we are in danger, and the body’s response is to cut supplies to non essential areas of the body and to trigger our fight or flight response. When we take nice long deep breathes we tell our nervous system that we are safe and that we are healthy. So by stopping and taking a few deep breathes our body responds by flushing us with our feel good hormones, and putting our whole body back online and going into rest and restore mode.
To do a reset use a 4-4-4-4 method this widely known as “Breathing in a box.” You inhale for a 4 count, hold for a four count, exhale for a 4 count, and hold for a 4 count. Repeat four times.
Find gratitude
Study after study supports that consciously choosing to find gratitude throughout the day (and in times of difficulty) improves physical health, improves psychological health, reduces aggression, and improves mental strength among other things. These are all good things for any of us.
You can choose to just verbally list and say your gratitude’s. I like to write my 5 gratitude’s in the morning and 5 at night. I list them in my planner. I also will start listing gratitude’s if I find myself out and about and wanting/needing to redirect my attention and am with out a pen and paper by just speaking them.
Clear your space
Yes we want to have neat and tidy houses. But that’s not what I’m talking about I am talking about energetically clearing your space. We can see dirt and disarray but sometimes we forget that everything and everyone has an energetic frequency and imprint. So making it a regular practice to clear the energy in your home and around you is extremely helpful. I do this daily. Yes daily (for me at least twice a day) because of my work and because my family is sensitive to energy. )
This can be an elaborate practice, or a beautiful ritual. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Specially if that will deter you from doing it. I do both. Weekly I will smudge and do all the things. However, daily I will call on my team ( that is your angels, guides, God, Higher power) and I will ask them to come in for my highest and greatest good and clear all energy that is not for my highest and greatest good and is not in support of my highest and greatest good cleansing, clearing, and alchemising.
Now that we covered how to help yourself daily to lessen these interactions and help you empower yourself and the connection you make, let’s talk about what to do in the moment. What to do when you get into one of “those” conversations.
Here are my 3 “go to,” ways to help you with “The Complainer”:
Don’t fix or debate.
Ignore the logic (or lack of), but validate the emotion.
Hold space.
Let’s walk through how to do this:
Don’t fix or debate.
As I stated earlier, some people have a hard time communicating and only feel they can if they share their struggles, and try to connect through sharing these complaints. Sad but true. So even though it is hard, don’t try to fix it, debate them, or shrug them off. Just listen. Listen will allow them to feel seen, heard, and supported. Use this as a time for you to be the non judgmental witness. If you MUST do something focus on what is being triggered in you that you need to work on?
Ignore the logic (or lack of), but validate the emotion.
We are not rational we are emotional creatures. I know so often we are steered away from our emotions or told to shut them down. Ration and reason only exacerbate our emotional state. You can respond by saying “I hear you”, “That must be really tough”, “Yeah I can see how that is difficult”. “That sucks, I’m sorry your going through that”. Here is the key though just because your listening and acknowledging what they are saying doesn’t mean you agree. You are simply just being supportive. You can disagree silently and acknowledge the human audibly. That will allow you to not take on their complaint or wind you into their spiral.
Hold space.
This is often a fluff term used by many people. Like what does that even mean “Hold space,” but in the big and small it means that you allow yourself to be supportive, bear witness, yet not take on their burden as your own.
Example: A co-worker is having a bad morning, you respond, “Ugh your kid had a melt down right before you left, and you spilled your coffee. I know it’s hard to start your day that way. I’m hoping that you will be able to be a trooper and bring your best self even with all that, I know you’re a rock star and we really need your positive energy!” This allows your co-worker to be seen, heard, validated, and redirected to reset and balance.
If they continue on the complain train, keep going through the steps, or politely excuse yourself from the conversation. Because you can be supportive with healthy boundaries.
These tools can help you to keep your cool in your daily life. They can also help you to connect with your family and friends in a positive and supportive way. You can even choose to empower your family by learning these tools, using these tools, and then teaching your children and spouses to use them too!
By embracing these tools, you are empowering yourself to live your best life and show up in the world as your best self and still being supportive to those around you, even “The Complainer”. Congratulations! You will find that these tools will bring you peace and balance the more you use them. You will also start to recognize that you have less and less complainers in your life.
One last bonus tool for you to use! Because I want you to be well equipped, to rid yourself from complainers, this is one I learned from my favorite 1:1 coach, Val White of Val White Inc. In situations with a complainer or following these interactions, envision yourself putting your hands up in a stop motion and saying “your energy is your energy (your palms face them) and my energy is my energy (your palms face you). I release any energy that is not of my highest and greatest good.”
Enjoy.
Rebecca
I would love to hear how these tools support you and what you experience by practicing them. Let me know in the comments.
Photo by Alexander Schimmeck on Unsplash
I'm Rebecca Packard, a passionate practitioner for living from love. As a Wife, Boy Mom, Daughter, Friend & Entrepreneur!
I invite you to join me on this journey to create balance being the CEO of my best life. As I share the tools, tips, & tricks I use everyday for making sure everyone is happy, healthy, living free & living their best life!
I'm open to any & all of your ideas, too, so be sure to share them by commenting on the blog posts, I do read them! AND will respond!
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“The purpose of my life is to connect people with their higher power, their truest self. Supporting them in healing wounds, expressing acceptance. While inspiring them to feel the bliss life can be."
- Rebecca Packard
Rebecca strives to support others on their path to a whole life. Through her blogs, group, and events she shares the modalities and practices that she uses in her life, with her family and clients to create full life balance. Sharing all the ways she is supporting herself and others in living their best life. She is passionate about and truly believes that everyone can and should live a life they are passionate about built from balance and purpose.